Intimate Partner Violence Over the Holidays – What You Need To Know

The holiday season can be full of cheer and community for many people, but it can be full of complications and danger for those with abusive partners. ZeroV encourages people to learn more about the impact of the holidays on intimate partner violence so they can better plan for their safety and the safety of survivors. 

Intimate partner violence is a pattern of violent and coercive behavior enacted by an abusive partner to maintain power and control over a significant other. This pattern of behavior can include emotional, financial, physical, sexual, and other types of abuse and spans the full calendar year regardless of major dates and events.  

While holidays do not cause intimate partner violence, they can bring changes to daily routines that affect abusive partners’ patterns of behavior and make it harder for survivors to plan for their safety.  

“What happens on New Year’s, Christmas, that’s just part of a pattern that happens all year round,” says Meg Savage, CLO of Kentucky’s domestic violence coalition, ZeroV. “But the holidays can bring additional stress from things like planning, travel, financial concerns associated with gifts, increased alcohol consumption, and traditions of extended family gatherings, any of which may destabilize an already fragile situation.” 

Holiday time off from work and school can also disrupt routines. Time off from work makes it more likely abusive partners will be at home, where their presence may make it less safe for survivors to reach out for support. Time off from school may also require changes to visitation schedules for survivors who are co-parenting, which can present additional safety challenges. 

Savage says it can be complicated for survivors to navigate complexities that arise during the holidays, especially when it comes to gatherings. She has heard from many survivors over the years that their families tell them not to attend family events because their abusive partner will only cause trouble. 

“Or, the survivor knows their abusive partner will cause problems and then they have to play this game of ‘Do I decline all these family invitations to avoid extended family tensions, and if I do, will my partner think my family doesn’t like them and then take it out on me?’” Savage said. “It can really be an impossible situation for survivors.” 

Although holiday changes can make safety planning difficult, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has tips to help survivors make holiday-specific safety plans. Some of these include: 

For survivors who are with abusive partners 

• Make a plan to keep checking in with someone and create a code word or phrase that will let them know you need help without alerting your partner. Make sure you agree on what the code word means, whether they call you, call the police, or do something else. 

• Make a specific safety plan for each trip. Here are safety planning tips for traveling with children. 

For survivors who are separated from abusive partners 

• Consider meeting family and friends in new locations unknown to the abusive partner. 

• Use a P.O. box address or no return address when sending out holiday cards. (Consider if the Kentucky Secretary of State’s address confidentiality program, Safe At Home, would be a good fit for you.) 

• Be mindful of an ex-partner's potential use of tracking devices on phones and cars. Find tips for tech safety from NNEDV’s Safety Net Project. 

For friends and family of someone who is experiencing intimate partner violence, the best way to support a survivor is to listen to them without judgment and let them know you are there to support them however they need.  

Savage says it is stressful to see someone you know and love in a harmful situation, but it’s important to remind yourself that you cannot make decisions for someone else. 

“The reason we say it is so critical to listen to survivors and support them in their decisions is because they are the experts in their own safety. They are reading their partner every minute of every day, trying to predict how situations might play out so they can stay safe.” Savage said. “Survivors know their circumstances and their partner better than anyone else, and the best way for friends and family to help them stay safe is to listen to them without judgment and let them know you’re here to support them in their decisions.” 

Figuring out how to start a conversation with a survivor can be difficult, but one neutral way friends and family can open that line of communication is by saying, “It looks like you’re having a rough time and I’m here if you ever want to talk.” This lets survivors know that they have a safe person they can reach out to for support when they are ready. Friends and family can also familiarize themselves with local and national domestic violence resources so they can be prepared to make referrals if survivors need additional support. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline also provides tips for friends and family to support survivors during the holidays. Some of these include: 

• Discuss the safest times and ways to communicate with the survivor. Maybe it’s safer for them to call when the abusive partner is away. Maybe it’s safer to text. Make sure the abusive partner doesn’t have access to whichever communication method you agree upon. Find tips for tech safety from NNEDV’s Safety Net Project. 

• When planning a gathering, ask the survivor if there is anything that might make an abusive partner’s behavior worse, like alcohol or sleeping in the same room, and make plans to limit or avoid those things. 

• Help the survivor get some time away from their abusive partner by inviting them to go shopping, run errands, do holiday prep, or go for a walk. 

Savage says in addition to support from friends and family members, survivors need support from their community as a whole. 

“IPV is an everyday community-based problem that requires a community-based solution,” Savage says. “Survivors are part of a community – they have friends, family, and co-workers, they have doctors, they have faith-based communities, they live in neighborhoods, and their kids go to school. We need everyone in the community looking out for their fellow neighbors, reaching out in a safe way when they see or hear something concerning, and offering support without judgment.” 

Although intimate partner violence may receive more attention in public discourse during the holidays, it needs to be part of the public discourse every day. By standing together as a Kentucky united against violence, we can create a future in which all Kentuckians can live and thrive in safety and peace.  

Advocates are available to help survivors, family, and friends make a safety plan for the holidays or any time. Anyone needing support related to intimate partner violence can contact their local domestic violence program, which you can find at zerov.org/shelter_programs, or call, text, or chat the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org/ or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).